A testimony of God’s saving grace

monarch-emerging“Reveal yourself to me, God” that was the prayer I prayed for weeks and weeks, as I couldn’t go on living in that paralysing fear, anxiety, depression as a result of my unfortunate choices in life. I would ask God to just open my eyes to the wondrous things of his Word (Ps.119: 18) as it’d become to me just theoretical approach to Christianity, totally void of power to change. It had no effect me to know that His Word is like a hammer that breaks rocks into pieces.
In my desperation I started to read Psalm 51 and 91, sometimes twice daily. I did that for about 2 weeks then I came across Joel 2: 25 “I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten”. That was the last hammer blow that would shatter my stony heart. I chose to believe that word and gently and gracefully God has shown me all the years he has watched me trying to do the Bible and still carry around my old baggage being so self-absorbed and staring at my hopelessness and refusing to see the solution in trusting him. I was broken under the conviction that God has chosen to come to this earth and take all my sin, which I have gilded with Christianity.
For the first time in my life I was given to see the exceeding sinfulness of my sin, the ugliness, and the darkness that I harboured. This is sheer miracle. Yes, I always knew I sinned, but it wasn’t that black, just something I would say sorry for and go on. It became real for me the verse in Matthew 6:23 (But if your eye is evil, your whole body will be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!) I never saw that great darkness in me before, and the fact that Jesus came and shed his blood to wash me clean of that darkness broke me to pieces.
I gave my life back into his hands and asked him to restore my life and begged him to heal my brokenness. Soon after, a sense of hope and faith started to rise in me like I have never sensed before. It was like night turning into day. That moment I knew what this mystery called faith is and didn’t worry about my future anymore. It was like I’ve got a new lease of life, like a I was a new being, it’s like having a new mind, hating what I once loved and loving what I didn’t care about before. All of a sudden fear and anxiety were not under my magnifying glass anymore, and I was determined to humble myself and that’s when I wanted to find some church and share this little victory as I was sure it wouldn’t last had I not shared it with others and keep me accountable.
I guess I needed to see the great darkness to really see light, God’s light. I am now sure that “there is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still”.